Last year I chose to create. With that simple decision my life has changed significantly. I allowed myself to live more fully and colorfully. It was the time when I grew the most. I owe it to all the people who challenged me, in a good or bad way. But I am most thankful to myself. For making the time, having the guts, dedicating the money and taking action to make something when it hadn’t existed before.
I know that when I can’t sleep I should turn to writing because it means there’s a crowd of thoughts in my mind queuing to the nearest exit of expression. Some of these thoughts are so much in a hurry that they buy a VIP pass to escape first or else they’ll make a huge riot inside my head.
Many of them are negative and I am ashamed to let them out, I don’t want others to see. Thoughts of turning from a careless party girl into a childless woman worried if she can still make it, thoughts of rejection when a HE doesn’t call, fear of parents passing away, decisions to be made concerning work and where to live. All the paralyzing thoughts. And I realize they need to be heard, taken care of. Maybe when they feel they are taken seriously they’ll fade or become less intense?
In busy times they are dormant and come to live the moment I close my eyes to doze of. But they are no fools. They are also waiting patiently when I meditate or go for nordic walking by the sea. They are always there. Unwanted company. I wish they left me alone for a while. I often retreat to silence in order to be just by myself (meaning who if not my thoughts)? If I wasn’t thinking my thoughts what would fill the void inside of me and what would I focus on? How would I make all the next steps without thinking them first? It’s getting complicated and I think I am giving too much thought to thoughts….Aaaaaa, crazy circle.
I feel attacked by them.
They eat my time.
They kill my mood.
They steer me.
They hurt me.
Who’s invented them anyway? Take away his Nobel!
They’re ugly, nasty, dirty.
But they are.
And they are a part of me, like a hand or hair.
They are the riches of the behind the scenes where only few are allowed to enter.
They are messengers of change.
They are flag posts of hidden desires.
They are a sign of being alive…
How does it happen that some ideas pop into my head? Where does the so called inspiration come from? Some thoughts are so brilliant that make their recipients great discoverers and steal their names and give to theories. Why some artists are known for their unique style, like U2, Warhol or Channel? Continue reading
Every time I want to express a positive emotion, a thought, a feeling and I don’t, it’s like throwing away food or money into trash.
Every time something bothers me and I don’t express it, is like swallowing a portion of poison.
How to express then? Continue reading
15 years ago, in highschool, I lost the biggest love of my life, because for almost 18 months I was afraid to admit how I felt about him until he started to treat me like a sister. 12 years ago I met quite a copy of him in London, where I worked during my studies. I was dying to go to bed with him, but what would he think of me, what would my family say… Continue reading
Creativity is not for everybody. Just like not everyone can become a war hero – first, because there would need to be war and second, there would need to be a situation when one’s humanity is tested to the limits. And when the moment comes it takes huge courage to ACT. Continue reading
Please tell me that sleepless nights happen to all artists. This is when spirits, ghost and geniuses visit normally . Especially on the full moon eve, when the wolf nature awakens. But today during a seminar I learnt that this animal symbolizes our mind, and when not at peace it spins chasing its tail. Mine is clearly going crazy tonight. Continue reading